♀ Kathryn Soo ♥

This week has been crazy! I've had disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. Everytime something good tries to peek through the huge FOG of disappointment it gets suffocated.

Someone once said that there are 2 things in life that you absolutely cannot take back. The first one would be time and the second is the words that you have spoken out loud..

After days of blaming everything around me for the drama that has been plaguing my life I have gone a full circle and ended up with no one but myself to blame.

If only time stops when you're truly happy...

I wish that memories could remain stagnant and that nothing we did in the future could ever taint them.If I hadn't done what I did would we both be here today?
Where do I go from here?
Damn you memories..

I'm exhausted .... exhausted by every single thing that's around me..
I wish that i don't have to understand everything..
I wana be understood and not understanding every single thing around me...
But it's not even possible.. It's as if im present to understand everything and tried to make it perfect for them..... whY? wHY ME ? i always asked myself this question.. a question that i know i couldnt find an answer to..

Sometimes memories are just memories.. or so they said..
Pictures are just pictures.... IS it so ? im feeling it..
I thought it doesnt have anything to do with anything...
But at times, when I'm feeling down and just had a bad day, I'm feeling it...
Gosh... i hate myself for feeling it...
I hate myself for the crazy thoughts in my head.. thoughts that are driving me crazy everytime i think about it.
But i cant get it out from my head.. Maybe im thinking too much........
From day 1 onwards, i had yet to find out about it........But i cant bring myself to ask about it...
I cant bring myself to find out the truth........
Truth hurts.. yes..
Maybe partly because of that, im afraid... im afraid to find out what's the real truth.....
The truth behind all these crazy and sadistical thoughts..
But somehow i know I would like to know about it... it's just a matter of when im daring enough to ask about it..

What i wish now is that i could go somewhere far away and just forget about everything..
The stress im having, the books, the things I'm expected to do and not what I want to do, the crazy thoughts......
It's impossible... it's just a nice dream that been playing in my mind.
I want to be happy for the things i have.. I am..
But I cant... I'm not what everyone thinks i am to be..
I'm different...
All i want now is to know about the stuff i been thinking about for the past few weeks...
I just need to be reassure that it will be alright eventho it's just a lie..
I always repeat my mistakes..
Mistakes that im supposed to learn and not to do the same thing all over again...
Disappointment never fails to wipe off the smile off my face..
I just hate it...
i hate every single dam thing that i need to do...
I hate the dam things i keep reassure myself.. and not the other party that assure me....
I hate the dam thing that make me feel emotional inside out..
I hate the dam me that always scared to ask about it.......
I hate the dam people that always put me in postion that makes me feel guilty.

I'm so afraid to talk about this to anyone...
Because i know i will break down when i talk about this... and also because i really dont know how to talk to them about this 'thing'..

I know some said i'm a bitch for doing some stuff... but you know what? i have my reasons...
I'm just scared.. I am... i never thought i would admit it..
But I am scared..... i am scared of what's gona happen ..
I watch what everything i do/did..
Because i know one false moves, im back to square one.........
Which i really dont want it to happen.......
Back to square one means starting all over again........
Some guys or even girls want what they cant have...
Want what that's out of their reach...
But why ? Temptation it seems...
Yea, whatever.... Temptations are just temporarily satisfaction..
Not to most people i know..
But to me, i know what i want and what i am supposed to do........
It's just that, a small obstacles is blocking me from every single god dam things....
A small obstacles that work like a wall between me and him........
If we both think differently, it's better to be in a different way now before everything goes too deep.....
Words are just words without prove..
Gestures are just gestures without any actions..
Like they said, Actions speak louder than words...


I just want to know..........
I just want you to assure me...
I dont want to see you walk out from my door..
I dont want to live in a life that's full of lies....